Do I have to wait until my 50s to be free?

I asked women 50ish and older for advice for younger women. Here's what they had to say.

I’ve noticed a theme amongst older women—typically 50 and older—of profound freedom.

Photo by Anna Shvets.

It’s been so refreshing to scroll through social media and see so many empowered women living their lives to the fullest.

These women have begun modelling at the age of 50.

They’ve changed careers.

They’ve celebrated moving beyond the male gaze, now dressing vibrantly and with a new form of self-love and acceptance that goes beyond what a partner could ever bring.

They’re unapologetic and unconcerned over the thoughts of others.

It’s as if they can finally take all the energy they've spent caring for others over the last twenty-plus years and put it into themselves.

And it’s so fucking refreshing.

For me, a recovering still-in-the-depths-of-it people-pleaser, what I love most on social media is watching women 50ish and older do their makeup and get dressed for the day (often starting in their underwear).

Finally, we get to see real women in all their beauty. Ageism is dying and our ideas of beauty are broadening into truth and reality.

Elizabeth Gilbert

I discovered a fantastic new blog (Oldster) and read an interview by Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love, and several other books. She discusses shaving her hair off. In it, she writes:

“I shaved my head recently because I wanted to do it. I’ve been dreaming for years of not having to deal with hair anymore. I was looking around at all these dudes my age, and I realized that they all had super easy, super cool, buzz cuts — and that they all looked great. I was at a meeting recently with all these men and women my age, and all the men had short or buzz-cut hair and all the women had longer, fussed-over, expensive-looking, fake hair — just like mine. I was looking around the room thinking, “Are we seriously still doing this? Who made up these gendered hair rules, and why are we still abiding by them?” I realized that if I were a 54-year-old man, I would’ve buzzed my hair off years earlier, and my life would be simpler and less expensive for not having to keep up the fancy blonde lady hair I’ve worn for decades. Around that same time, I also saw something online where they took magazine covers of famous guys in their 50s and 60s and photoshopped them just as they would have to do, had it been a woman of the same age. I know this kind of stuff gets talked about all the time, but something about seeing those cool dudes airbrushed to lose all their wrinkles, in order to make a point about the difference in male and female beauty and aging standards, really pissed me off.

Of course the men looked younger in the re-touched photos, but they didn’t look BETTER. The men looked way better with all the original lines in their faces and their buzz-cut hair. I was like: “Well, shit, why can’t I do that?” I hesitated for a while (and kept getting my hair dyed and straightened, in the meantime, and doing Botox) because I had some lingering fear of not being pretty anymore, or how I would come across in professional settings or when I do speaking events. But then I thought: “If I can’t do this—if I can’t be as free as any man my age—what woman can?” Because I have more freedom than almost any woman I know. I have no partner to please, no kids to embarrass, no boss to appease, no asses I have to kiss to make my money — and yet I still have to care about these idiotic beauty standards, that are so random and stupid and boring and played out? No. No more.

So I said: fuck it. I bought some clippers, took off all my hair, and stopped messing with my face. And I love it. I think I look gorgeous. I think I look more like myself than I have ever looked in my life. Because when I look in the mirror, I see a woman who looks FREE. And I never met any free women, growing up. And that, I believe, is my final destination in this incarnation: True and total freedom.”

Shedding the constructs of society

Now I realize I’ve just spoken about two different kinds of women: women putting on makeup and getting dressed on Instagram and women going bare-faced and shaving their heads. It’s not about the lack of or excess of makeup. It’s about seeing these women act in a way that empowers them.

These women encompass the energy I desperately wish for at almost 36. Perhaps I have more physical energy than someone in their 50s (though I am sure there are 50-year-olds with much more energy than a mother with two children under the age of 6), yet mentally, I am afraid.

I am terrified of living with this freedom. Even writing that last sentence makes me quiver with anxiety.

To live with that much freedom means shedding my skin—the constructs society has put me in—and living my authentic self. Truthfully, I’ve gotten pretty comfortable wearing a mask. It makes me feel safe. But if I’m being honest, it’s getting harder and harder to breathe in.

Fifty-year-old runway model

I’ve always hated it when, at a birthday party, the person doesn’t disclose their age, as if revealing their age is a crime, an embarrassment or a failure. I’ve most often witnessed this in women.

But I’ll admit that when I turned 35, it was the first time I felt scared of my age, realizing I was now closer to 40. But it wasn’t aging that scared me; it was the feeling of running out of time and being nowhere close to where I wanted to be career-wise. It also maybe came about because my doctor randomly said the word perimenopause during a check-up, and I looked at her and thought, didn’t I just go through puberty?

Turning 35 gave me empathy for all those who have concealed their ages, but it was also a reality check for me.

I don’t want to live in a box or by someone else’s standards. Though the reality of aging can be scary (failing bodies, everyone you love dying, etc), I don’t want to be bound by that fear.

I want to live my life as if I’m a 50-year-old runway model.

Fearless. Powerful. Vibrant. Unafraid.

The question

I’ve heard many older people say they still feel like they’re the same person they were at 23. For some, it’s 27; for others, it’s 19—the exact age doesn’t matter. What matters is that, despite the weight they’ve put on, the additional wrinkles, the loss of hair, or whatever else aging has done to their physical bodies, they’re still the same person they were so many years ago when they were young.

I wonder this often—what age do I feel I still am? Is it 19, 24 or 33? In some ways, I am not at all the person I was when I was 23; in other ways, I am still her, just older. Uncertain in some ways but more confident in others.

I aim to grow this confidence—to live my life with the freedom I see in so many older women.

But how?

At first, I was going to email Elizabeth Gilbert and ask for her advice, but then I read I’d have to go through her agent, which means she’s probably really busy. Though it would be amazing to talk to her one-on-one, she’s also just one perspective, and I wanted to hear more.

I decided to ask the many incredible women I interact with on social media (around the age of 50 and up) by posting the following question:

I’ve noticed a theme amongst women approximately 50 years and older—one that embodies freedom, empowerment and living an unapologetic life. What advice would you give younger women to live with that freedom and empowerment now? Where does it come from? How do we get it? We don’t want to wait until our 50s.

I also posted this question here, which prompted an entire blog post from a woman named Julia that I highly recommend you to read. She titles the essay, You and I Are Too Old to Want Shortcuts to "Freedom, Empowerment and Living an Unapologetic Life."

Julia writes that she hardly began to live life on her terms until she was 58 and that “goddesshood” starts around the age of 60 (how inspiring is that!?).

She goes on, writing:

“Midlife is full of huge losses:

-We lose our kids to adulthood

-We often lose our marriages

-We lose our smooth thighs and faces to age

-We lose our liquid, quicksilver brain functions to crystallized intelligence, which is when we begin to more thoughtfully dip into our years and years of experience (that is a major gain but most don’t experience it that way)

I could go on. Each of those profound losses teaches us to value something different as we mark the inevitable passage into an aging body.

There are no shortcuts to any of this. These things take years, they often take therapy, they demand that we turn to our communities of women who are experiencing the same things, they require mourning.

Mourning takes years. It’s the process that teaches us to walk through life with pain, loss, bouts of depression, and failed hopes and dreams so that we can make new ones.

You and I cannot hurry sacred work.

We forfeit youth in order to learn how to be eternally youthful.”

I love what Julie writes. You cannot hurry sacred work. There are no shortcuts.

Freedom and empowerment are daily commitments, ebbing and flowing like life.

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From the community

Here are the rest of the answers I received (shared with permission):

Photo by Mart Productions.

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Love this! I feel this at 40. It began in my late 30s when I realized the only permission and approval I actually need is my own. Also realized I’m in charge of me. Also my marriage fell apart and my faith already had so for the first time it felt like I had nothing to lose by being myself.

-Echo Hill Vetter

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Interesting question you pose here. My first thought is that the journey itself has given me abundant opportunities to consider what I hold as my own truth. I have an image of myself moving forward over time on a path that has slowly become uniquely my own. Along the sides of the path are ideas, thoughts, perceptions that I have shed as I have realized they no longer serve me. As I have given intuition her full measure I have moved forward with greater confidence and ease. My thoughts at 72 and thriving.

-Kathie Debenham

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Love yourself. Lose your perfectionism. Be yourself as loudly as possible.

-Alexandra

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What a wonderful topic, Kim. Being raised by a single dad, I had so much freedom to do exactly as I pleased at a young age - even though I had added responsibilities than most kids my age. Dad always called his daughters his “superior Neal products”. The Neal side of my family is filled with people like the Good Samaritan. I felt very, very loved from an early age and adults valued my opinion. Having that trust and respect grew a pretty empowered young lady. Even in the depths of an emotionally abusive marriage, the candle flame of that reality still burned inside of me. It was what gave me strength to make him leave and encircle my kids with pure love and encouragement that they could do anything, be anything and always know I was there.

I also believe my faith gave me strength beyond measure. I believe there is a God and I believe with all my heart that he is rooting for me and yes, even carrying me at times, so I can make it through this life learning lessons, serving others, being brave enough to accept service from others and seeing blessings every step of the way.

-Kim

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Don’t compare yourself to others. Get in touch with the essence of who you are and embolden that essence. Don’t worry what others think.

-Becky

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I don’t feel like I know what it feels like to embody freedom, empowerment and living an unapologetic life, even though I am the required age for this survey. I just feel like me, a woman still growing up. However if I think back to when I was a little girl, like 10 years old me, I strongly think I felt like this. I know that sounds really strange, but it’s really true… I wasn’t overly parented, both parents had their own things going on. I have 3 siblings. Two of my siblings were over 11 years older than me , the other sibling almost 5 years older than me. The eldest moved out when I was 4 , the next when I was 8. The last sibling and I were not overly close and moved out when I was 14. Thus I spent a lot of time by myself. I felt quite lonely at times , but also extremely unafraid and empowered with a very strong sense of being myself. Somewhere I guess, life got in the way and took with it some of my self confidence and left a lot of self doubt… Luckily, I went on to be a wife and a parent of 3 and filled my life willingly with family. I am so thankful I did. For me, it gave me complete fulfillment and still does. But thanks for the reminder of where I started and that growing up is actually growing into her again.

-Anonymous

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As we age we tend to lose some of our coping skills, the benefits being that we no longer have the energy to care what others think of us as much as we care about what we think of ourselves. We worry less about if people like us, and more about if we like them. This translates into a more authentic life, if at times, a bit more brittle for some of us.

Some of those earlier worries stem from patterns developed in our childhood and early adulthood. We are generally raised to please our parents, then our teachers, churches or community organizations, then peers, the neighbours, the college admittance committee or an employer. While those things are important for later success in life, it’s easy for well intentioned instructions from authority figures to be misinterpreted as shame; we didn’t measure up, what will the neighbours say, what if I make someone angry and have to pay a steep price, suffer the consequences. What if I fail, will they be disappointed in me, will I be enough?

When we believe that we are truly worthy of love, that even if we fail we are redeemable, and that everything isn’t our fault but that life is truly about loving ourselves and our neighbour and enjoying the journey, when we can embrace that we were made for love and by love and that God can and will work even our mistakes out for good, we can lay aside the fear and regret and begin to live empowered lives. After all, isn’t that what we want for our own daughters? Why not, then for ourselves?

-Becky

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I love your observations! Very true for me that in my youth I cared so much what others thought, and dressed thinking I could impress them; now at 53 I wear what I feel the most comfortable and me in. The plethora of beautiful but painful heels are replaced by the Birkenstocks I used to poo poo. And that’s just the wardrobe department!

Life is an accumulation of experience, and learning from mistakes, and constantly exploring and improving. Enjoy every day of the evolution of you.

You’re on the right track just by identifying the attitude you want! Love who you are, and cheers to the unabashedly you you are today! ❤️

-Ali Ban

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I’d love to hear from you, regardless of your age or how you identify. Share your thoughts in the comments below.